Finding Jesus?

Tuesday, 24 July 2012 13:44

Written by Editor

English TV is a bit of a novelty to me. Recently I gained access to some, and like a stranger in a foreign country, I did some exploring and found something rather disturbing. I found Jesus – or better said lots of Jesus’s, and I am not referring to the gospel channel!

Now, granted I have been out of the UK for many years, and though I do not watch UK TV, I do know about “Britain’s Got Talent”, “The X-Factor”, etc – so, when I came across “Superstar” (if you’ve seen it) you can understand my confusion – what is going on?

Let me explain, “Superstar” is like the talent show for all singing rejects from all the decent-ish talent shows out there. But if this wasn’t bad enough – yes , it gets worse – the prize isn’t a record deal (which is what these contestants really want), it’s to star as Jesus in Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “Jesus Christ Superstar” tour. Ugh! Personally, I’m not a big musical fan, I did see “Rent” on Broadway,and that was enough for me, but “Jesus Christ Superstar” – no, I’d rather be dragged through a bush backwards than see that.

Here is my confusion. I thought Andrew Lloyd Webber was, I don’t know, smart? Had a good musical ear, or something. So, why isn’t he holding auditions like a normal theatre person? Instead of inflicting a bunch of dodgy characters upon innocent people, in a sort of fake “X factor”?

It’s bad enough that these “Jesus’s” are mediocre karaoke singers at best, it’s kind of insulting Jesus, if you think about it. When any of these guys start to perform I do say: “Oh Lord”, but I don’t mean it as a good word. I don’t quite understand what they are looking for in a Jesus, but these guys are in all shapes, sizes and colours.

Wouldn´t it be more sensible to audition men who could sing and resemble Jesus? None of these guys can sing, one of them looks like a fat blonde girl (with a beard), another looks like a priest, the other a thug and the other is of African descent. Hence my confusion!

This raises the question  of how these “Jesus’s” made it on to the show in the first place – that is a “miracle” in itself. But how they stay on the show – well that one, I can answer, it’s down to the judges. Whatever happens on stage they all say: “that was so good”, so I keep saying: “Were we watching the same thing?”. The judges must be tone-deaf. The panel consists of Andrew Lloyd Webber (of course, it’s going to be his production), Dawn French (hmm…yeah, I don’t get it either), Melanie C (hardly a great solo career, after the Spice Girls) and Jason Donovan! Correct me if I am wrong, but the only music stuff (at least that I recall) Donovan ever did was, “Especially for you” with Kylie, the very lame “Too many broken hearts” (Oh dear, I’m showing my age) and let’s not forget “Any Dream will Do”. I am guessing he got the job because of his role in “Joseph and the Amazing Technicoloured Dreamcoat”.

If Simon Cowell had any say in this, well, he’d probably just cancel the show. As for me, it’s things like this that keep me away from UK TV. Now, where is the remote?

By Amy Thomas